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Leaving SW……

Ok so I’ve not left like I’m no longer doing it. I just need a break away from the groups, from the weekly weigh ins and currently, the weekly anxiety provoking and tear jerking stresses of being weighed.
I joined slimming world nearly two years ago now and it was definitely one of the best choices I could’ve made. For my physical and emotional health. I’d piled on the weight, struggled to acknowledge the change and then finally falling into a spiral of tears and disappointment every time I tried something on or saw a photo of myself.
Since joining I’ve lost over two stones and it’s so good to slowly see the accomplishments and changes in myself.

But since the new year, something has been off and I’ve struggled to go anywhere with my weight. I’d lose and gain every week like a damned yo-yo and I’ve remained in this little ‘bubble’ of area in my weight loss. Never gaining so much to lose my 2 stone loss but never losing enough to get to that bloody two and a half stone milestone. And when I need to lose 5 more stones before I get to my target weight, it’s not a great feeling. To repeatedly go on those scales week in and week out and see it bounce around with no real progress; it was becoming soul destroying. I’d leave the group and cry as I messaged my partner the frustrated disappoint and feel frustrated as he’d tell me I’d do better next week. Because I probably would, then I’d be back up again the following. It was a routine I was not enjoying. Last week I got weighed and that was it. I thought I’d do well this week and gaining pushed me to decide this was it. I need time away from the group, from the weekly weigh ins that are making me slightly obsessive around scales.

My rep obviously had to try and advise me against it, stating those that try to go solo usually return gaining it all back. Wasn’t the greatest pep talk I’ve got to say, but I understood she had to say it. She still supported my decision and has put my account on hold which means no nasty build up of missed and unpaid weeks to worry about.

Though I’m skipping the weekly meet up and weigh in with the fellow slimmers, I plan to stay on plan. I still syn, count my healthy A and B’s and find SW friendly alternatives to foods I like. I don’t plan to stop that side of slimming world, I just couldn’t hack another weigh in. I mean I was paying to be disappointed. I can weigh myself and be disappointed at home for free FFS.

So I’ve gone ‘solo’ so to say and though it’s not been a week yet, I have to say I feel ten times better. I feel like a massive weight has been removed from my shoulders and that since I decided to leave I’ve regained some motivation to kick back into my weight loss properly. I think I realized I’d got stuck in a rut of the same, dull routine of work, sleep and repeat with most days off of work being spent cleaning the house, making dinner for the evening and then idly thinking about things I could and should be doing. Since leaving SW and telling myself I needed to prove I could do this to myself and partly my rep, I felt determined to actually do more again. Pushing myself to structure my days off better, start going to fitness classes again rather then just the gym every evening. Get the bike sorted and cycle around well, wherever I liked. Sit in the garden and read. Doodle. Finally sort out the gardens rebellious shrubbery, paint the fence and shed.
Be proud of my productive days so when I felt like being lazy I knew I’d deserved it.

Now don’t get me wrong, SW is amazing. The food plans, alternatives, reps, people and general support was great. It was inspiring and motivating but with the move to a new home with my lover, new jobs and getting into a routine we both could work and adapt to. I struggled to adapt SW into the new routine and life. So I ‘plateu’d’. I almost became expectant and accepting of the rubbish loss and gain pattern I fell into. And I stopped trying to motivate myself to not just go for ‘any loss’ but an actual loss to be proud of. SW works fantastically, I’ve seen people lose so much and so brilliantly, it’s truly inspiring.
But when you fall out of the routine, the motivation, it becomes a rut. I fell into a rut and I need a break.

So I’ve quit for now but plan to go back one day, maybe. We’ll see how well I do solo. Maybe I’ll lose loads, maybe I’ll gain it all back and more. Who knows. If I do at least I’ll have tried. For now it’s just not worth the mental and emotional turmoil I put myself through with weekly weigh ins and definitely not the bloody money ha!

So I go alone now, but I’m still on the facebook groups, my parents and a number of my friends are SW’ers and I still have the plan embedded in my brain. I’m bracing myself to go to my gym and ask about their PT sessions and tonight I did a body combat workout. I can feel my body screaming at me as I write this. Hopefully it’s a good sign. I know I can do this. I just need to go at this with renewed determination and maybe a planner to guilt me into working out and not eat certain things when I acknowledge their syns/calories.

So to anyone else out there struggling, thinking about things or just losing faith in their goals and targets. We can do this. We just need a fresh outlook, a new plan, a new lease of motivation. Change it up, shake it off and do it. We’ve got this! And don’t be afraid to ask for help, those who really care will never let you down.

To our future plans and goals!!!

Love is…..

Love can be defined and determined differently for everyone but for me it’s endless support. Becoming frustrated when you can’t cheer the other up because you know it’s something they have to deal with personally but it still hurts that you can’t help. Going on random late night trips for Mcdonalds milkshakes or a big ass bottle of coke zero cherry after a loooong shift.

Love is every time he looks at me like I’m high but still laughs because my oddities are normal to him. It’s all the times he calls me sexy after I fart or beautiful as I dress. It’s how he knows when to switch Adele off because I love listening to her but she eventually makes me too emotional with her gloriously emotive lyrics. It’s the patience he shows me when we go round clothes shops and the way he now bans me from New Look because ‘that shop always makes you sad!’ (they don’t like my boobs or general plus size bod).

Love is when I watch him sleeping (and rather loudly snoring) and think there’s no one I’d want to wake up or fall asleep next to. It’s all the adventures we go on spontaneously that don’t always work out perfectly but are always perfect eventually. It’s the ‘great’ idea we had to walk to the ‘nearby’ beach along the coastal path and ending up walking for over ten miles in the scorching sun (and getting insanely lost!) and still laughing at the end of it. It’s making it through the tough conversations and admissions of defeat or being wrong after all. And them not holding it against you. It’s spoiling each for no other reason then because we can and want to. It’s the hugs I didn’t realize we needed until our shoulders relax and we exhale like we’ve been trapped under water. It’s the hands that always find mine and keep me safe.

It’s the man that sat by my side with other members of my family, as we watched my grandfather slowly and painlessly pass away before his time.
He came straight from work that very day we got the call.
He held me as I cried and cried and cried.
He stood by me as I mourned, struggled and hated the world for the injustice it had dealt us all.
And he still stands by me now.
After years of long distance, studying, stress, anxiety, mourning, uncertainty about our futures, everything.
He stands by me still.
Smiles, holds my hand and tells me he loves me.

And love is knowing that I will never stop pushing myself and trying to be someone he deserves.
Someone that will do all he has done for me and more.
Someone that will with time make him realize his own potential, ability and worth.
Because he really is worth it all.